All is lost
by Hasselhoff
Summary: COMPLETE Carter and Abby break up, and try to work things out. Prequel to All is Lost.
1. Unforgiving Pain

Authors Note- So yes, I have decided to start up a fic, but this one is on my own. Something I haven't done in a long time. Anyways this takes place around the end of last season. Africa, and season ten do not apply. The Carby relationship is still the same... Meaning how it started, all the happenings in it. Anyways here is the prologue. Please read and review, tell me if I should continue or not. Thanks.   
  
What if there really is only one person, one person for every one? One person to love, hold, call your own. One true love, the one you pledge your heart, soul, life too. Worse of all what if you let them go. What if you made the stupidest mistake of your life and cut them loose. Figuring you were better off without them, only to want them back the second they step over the thresh hold. You've come to realise that they are the one for you. They are your soul mate, your other half, cut from the same cloth. All the cliches you heard while growing up are coming true. But for someone you can't have because you realised it too late. You let them go over something stupid, something that seems so miniscule now. Something you can't even recall. A broken heart is the worst kind of pain, I speak from experience. No matter how many times you get walked all over, how many knives are stabbed in your back, by supposed 'friends.' A broken heart tops it all. I had experienced one before him. He was one of the many, but for some reason he held a different part in my heart, he meant something different. Something special. He was unique, quirky, clumsy, beautiful. Not all his traits could be seen at first look, but getting to know him you could tell how deep, lovely, spectacular he really is. Realising who he really was, what he really thought and felt was the best experience of my life. It wasn't long lived, but I loved every minute of it. Well at least I do now that it is gone. I didn't when I had. I abused him in a sense, used him. Hurt him as well. We hurt each other, it was a game we played. One neither of us enjoyed, yet we kept it going for over a year. Now here we stand completely alone, broken hearted. Neither of us knowing what happens next. I know I love him, he loves me. But is the love honestly worth all the pain and heart ache we cause each other. The night we spend arguing over trivial matters. Or apart because neither one wants to be the one to call the unthinkable. It would be easier to forget about him, to move on. Find someone new. The relationship would be different, as would the history. Maybe that is a good thing, a clean slate.   
  
I slam my book closed, turning my head towards the clock. Ten hours till my shift. County general, somewhere I would rather not go. I haven't seen him since it ended. All of a six hours ago. It feels much longer, it feels as though I have been sitting here forever. I haven't been able to move since he left, I can still hear the echo of the slamming door. The glasses in my cupboards shaking. I bit my bottom lip not wanting to cry, refusing to show how weak I am. I lasted all of ten minutes. I didn't cry while he was around. I replaced my pain with hate, hate for a man that I really love. I look back down at my book, thinking I should go to bed, before my night shift starts. I did after all spend all night fighting with him. Draining my self of every ounce of energy. Now I sit here, barley moving watching the clock tick the hours away.   
  
Who knows what we would have become if I had just given it a chance, but I didn't. He didn't either. I do feel partly responsible for the ending of 'us.' I know he had a rather big role as well. He was the one who lost hope in me, wanting me to change who I was for him. He didn't like who I was, who I had become. He wanted me to be a different, sorry buddy, what you see if what you get. I am not perfect. I know that much, but neither is he. He would shout at me how I was making all this up, how he really loves me for me. His words were not falling on deaf ears. They were heard. But needlessly, no matter what he said, I could see through him. The problem is, he did not realise that he truly does not love me until a few hours ago. He had made up his own 'Abby' in his mind. A perfect, sober, beautiful Abby. Hell, that women wouldn't even be Abby. That would be a whole new person. He needs perfect, because his expectations are set at perfect. I sigh, leaning my head back against the couch. Its time I get up from my misery retreat, that is my couch. I have probably made butt grooves in the cushions. I walk towards the door locking it, then picking up the keys he discarded on the side table. I finger them lightly. Remembering the clank they made on the table as he tossed them on, shouting some sort of cuss, I don't remember right now, at me. I blocked the whole fight out of mind. Knowing that if I think about it I will break down once again. I set the keys back on the table and head for the fridge, not really hungry, but its something to do. The door opens with a creak, and I search through, seeing only reminders of him. Why do I date guys that can't accept me for me? That is the one million dollar question, answer that Regis Philman. I shut the fridge door, all of this is hopeless. I am not going to be able to forget him. At least not tonight. Or ever probably, I mean we do work together. I saunter over to my bedroom, what was at one point our bedroom. Yup, the room we made love in, talked in, argued in, sat in eerie silences in. The room we fucked in. The room we fucked it all up in coincidentally. I lean against the battered door frame. There is a story about us in every inch of this apartment. Even one about the door frame. That one is too recent and painful to recite. I push my tattered hair out of my face. Wishing this day would end already. I would try to sleep, but that would just be hopeless. My dreams would be haunted with memories of him. Of us. The nights we spent together, the days we bantered over tiny things. Eventually collapsing in fits of giggles. At the beginning we loved spending time together. Hell that's all we did. We made love all the time. Every where. Endless minutes were spent making love in the shower, on top of the bathroom counter, the kitchen counter, the couch, against the television. Against the wall, that supported the television until. On the floor in the living room. Actually just any where we could. Things became to deepen, become much more serious. Not that that was a bad thing, it just meant making love, having sex, fucking, whatever you want to call it, didn't fix everything. It couldn't. It became an act, an act that we loved, enjoyed. But something we turned to for comfort when things got tough. It had lost its original meaning, and was replaced by a new hurtful one. One that tore us by the seams. I walk into my bedroom, sitting down on the bed. His side of the bed incidentally. The smell of him still present. The crinkle of the sheets from yesterday morning, still there. Everything seems normal. The way it always is, the way it always was. But it will be different. From this day forward, I can no longer run to his arms for comfort. Its over, we are through. The worst thing about all this is I have to see him in nine hours and forty-five minutes. This won't be good for either of us. I can tell already. I will just have to be ready and prepared. 


	2. Inevitable Happenings

Authors Note- A few things I forgot from the prologue. I forgot to thank Sylvia! You rock, thank you for reading over my fic!!! You have to help me out, cause I have no idea where I am going with this. Thanks to everyone that reviewed. I will probably be posting a chapter every two days, because I have another fic on the go too. 'Bittersweet Regrets.' I will do my best to update this regularly though. Please read and review.   
  
Disclaimer- I do not own any of the characters. I do not own any poem, song, quote, anything that you see and you think you know from somewhere else, you probably do. It is not mine.  
  
*Chapter One*  
  
I walk into a buzzing ER, feeling completely ill. I don't know if its because I haven't slept our eaten in over twenty four hours. Or if it is because I am coming down with something. Either way, I feel like shit and I don't want to be here. I immediately head for the lounge, avoiding watchful eyes. I drop my things off in my locker quickly, not wanting to stay in a confined space for long, out of fear for who I may find. I rush out into the hall, pinning my hair up. Only twelve hours until I get to go home. That's not long. Oh god, I'll never make it. I head over to admit, looking at the board, Carter's not on for another hour or so. This means I have an hour to make a plan, a plan of how to avoid him. "Hey." I look over my shoulder at an approaching Susan. I smile grimly at her, I don't feel very happy today.   
  
"You look tired." She observes. Wow she's good. I smile again at her, not really feeling like elaborating. "That bad huh?" She smiles sadly.  
  
"You have no idea." I sigh, I don't even know how all this happened. How my life came crashing around me. I push the loose strands of hair out of my face. Again attempting to smile at her. Hoping she'll buy that I am okay enough so she won't make me talk.  
  
"Want to talk?" She asks, just as a gurney with a wailing patient comes crashing through the doors. "Sorry." I shrug, chasing after Luka and the gurney. Saved by the victim. I burst into Trauma One. "Abby." Luka smiles. I smile back, watching as he works on the patient. "We don't need you." He says matter of fact. "We've got it covered." I nod leaving the room. I am desperate for something to do, it seems as though this place is packed and I am useless. I can't offer my services up in any way. I walked over to admit, flipping aimlessly through charts. "Hey Abby." Susan approaches me yet again.   
  
"Hey." I smile.   
  
"Um- Can you grab me a cup of coffee, I am dying over here." She says grabbing the chart out of my hand. So what, now I am the coffee bitch. Well right now I have nothing else to do. I feel so lost in this place, this world, this life. I can't do anything anymore. The one person who I thought loved me for me turned out to be the biggest hoax of my life. I never should have trusted him, now I am left picking up the pieces, while he is thanking god he got out of it alive. I enter the lounge, sighing exasperated. I look over at the lockers, there stands the man I have been trying so hard to avoid. Our eyes lock, and I immediately turn and walk out the way I came. So what, I'm a coward. I can deal with him, later. I just, I can't today. Not after last night. I barley got a good look at him. He is probably fine. He is untouchable. He won't be hurt by this useless piece of crap, to him I am scum. Not worth his time, money, just not worthy of him. I walk over to Susan, ducking into the curtained area. "Hey... Did you get my-" I bring my finger to my lips, signalling her to be quiet. She peeks around the corner seeing Carter at the admit desk. Her head immediately flashes over to me. She grabs my arm and proceeds to pull me out of the area, and into an empty exam room.   
  
"What's going on?" She whispers, I look at her and shrug. I must look devastated or slightly hurt. I am not sure, but her face softens and she places her hand on my shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "I'll cover for you." I sigh, wiping my face with my hand.   
  
'Thank You.' I mouth. She nods at me.   
  
I head out of the exam room, heading for the drug lock up. I just need something to do, anything. I start to stock the drugs. Placing each one in its place. I scan the hospital, glancing at the clock. I can't help but recall the fight that got us into this whole mess. It is the most painful memory. I thought we were meant to be, as silly as that sounds now, I really thought we were going to make it. I should have known better, things have been rocky over the last couple of weeks. Ever since his grandmother funeral, ever since he did not propose. Who knew silence could be so painful, so loud. When he did not propose it spoke volumes to me, I just didn't want to realise that this was going no where. The relationship was only hurting us, it shouldn't be like that. The one you love should not cause you that much pain. But he did, especially the way he left.   
  
~*~  
  
"Hey." I turn around, opening my apartment door. He smiles at me. Where have I seen this before? He climbs the stairs. facing me. "Hey." I walk into my apartment building he follows me, on my heels every step of the way. "We need to talk." He grabs my elbow, stopping me from walking up the stairs. "Look Carter-" I try to start, but he puts his fingers up to stop me. "We need to sit down and talk." I wriggle free of his grasp. After thirty-six hours of work, the last thing I want to do is sit down and have a heart to heart. He chases after me, as I push into my hallway, finding my apartment and jamming the keys in the door. He runs in after me. I don't know why he wants to talk now, after over a week of avoiding me. Has he finally come to the realization that I am a waste of his time. A waste of a person, a waster of air. "This is what you love to do isn't it?" he says exhausted.   
  
I spin around to face him. "John, I'm tired. Can we do this later?" He laughs at me, running his fingers through his short brown hair. Does he not understand that I just can not do this tonight.  
  
"Its always pushing things away, people." He shakes his head. "Jesus Abby." He holds my gaze, watching as I close my eyes tiredly. I am not trying to push him away, he is doing that all on his own. "Its been a week and half." I open my eyes to look at him, he continues. "A week and a half since we spent time together. I can't keep going on like this." I stare at him, he looks worn out, angry, hurt. His eye lids are falling, as he fights to stay strong. "Then end it." I say in a barley audible whisper.   
  
"That's what you want." I walk away from him, heading into my bedroom. "You think so low of yourself." He says exasperatedly.   
  
"And you're always there to bring me back up." I say sarcastically.  
  
"Where to you get this?" he screams, I jump a little at the sound of his shrill angry voice.  
  
"Get what?" I ask naively.  
  
"This poor me, 'I have such a fucking horrible life!' Attitude." I turn and face him. Rage written across his face, a crinkled brow. I meet his gaze with a sharp glare. "You think I am disappointed in you." He says quietly. "I have no fucking idea why." How the hell could he not know? He was the one who didn't propose. Who would confess his undying love for me day and night, yet when it came to judgement day he choked. He just couldn't do it. he couldn't picture spending his life with an old hag like me. He wanted me to change, be a perfect little house wife who could bare all his children. Guess what baby, it ain't happening. "You don't love me for me." I leave him alone to ponder this, as I make my way to the washroom. "Fuck. See that's it. You just pull these things out of the air. They have no basis of reality. Do you not understand that I love you, for you?"   
  
"Is that so?" I yell snapping around. "Then why the hell did you push me away. Why did you avoid me for a week and a half? You don't love me John. That's the problem." My voice softens. "You are just realising this now." He looks at me hurt and dejected.   
  
"No, you don't love yourself."  
  
"That's bullshit." I spit. "This has to do with your feelings for me. You are denying what you really feel. You always try and turn this onto me."   
  
"This is just another way for you to push me away." He says shaking his head. "You just can't let yourself be loved. Its fucking impossible, isn't it? You have to be poor lonely Abby." I walk past him into the kitchen, trying to ignore him. "Your doing it again. You just refuse to face the fucking music." He screams.   
  
"Just fuck off." I holler back. I am feeling completely exhausted, and I do not feel like fighting with my sort of boyfriend right now.   
  
"Shit Abby." He sits down on the couch.  
  
"What now you want to make up? Pretend like nothing happened?" I say walking over to him.   
  
"Mmm, I wish it was that easy. But nothing is every that easy with you." I look at him quizzically.   
  
"That is something I have been trying to get through to you for the longest time." I sigh. "You are too good for-"  
  
"Would you stop? Stop with this tired tirade about how sad and pathetic your life is." He stands up looking me in the eye. "I can't do this, not now."  
  
"Well, you are the one who wanted to." I fire back. "You are the one who couldn't wait to hash out every problem with have had. Everyone of my endless problems." I push my hair back. "Are you happy now? I am completely exhausted, pissed and hungry."   
  
"Yeah, that's exactly what I was going for Abby, trying to make your day worse." He pushes by me.   
  
"I'm sorry I am such a burden on you." He says hurt. He looks at me once more, watching as I nervously tuck strands of hair behind my ear. I think am the one who is the burden. "You know your hopeless." I turn to look at him, biting down on my bottom lip. Trying to prevent the tears from falling down my cheeks. "Beautiful, funny, sarcastic. Amazing. You're the most amazing person I know. But above all you're hopeless. You are the one standing in your own way." He says this calmly, sweetly, but with a look of pain stricken anger on his face. Like his words are a tool he is using against me. "We could have been something great. Something that lasts forever. we could have stuck. But you don't want to." He finishes. He watches me as a simple tear rests at the corner of my eye. "Neither do you." He scoffs at this. "You don't John. I am hopeless you are right. I am too much too handle. But on top of all this, you have problems of your own. Problems you refuse to face, because you spend every minute of your life focusing in on mine. Shining the light in on every petty problem I may have." He watches me, I know he expected me to collapse, break down under his words. So he could collect me up, put the pieces back together. He wants to feel useful. "I can't do it Abby." He takes his keys out, looking at them. Then up at me. I make no effort to stop him. To make him stay. "I'm sorry."  
  
"Don't be. I knew it was going to happen." I look down at my feet, pushing loose strands of hair out of my face. "Good luck." He tosses the keys onto the table, opening the door. He stands in the door way a second then looks back at me. "I love you, you know that? Maybe we could have been something if you just let yourself love me. Maybe you just couldn't love me. I don't know. I'm sick of trying to figure things out. I just wanted you to know that." He shuts the door. I stand in the same spot for a moment, watching the door, thinking maybe he will come back.  
  
I slowly make my way to my bedroom, looking at a few articles of clothing left on the floor. He rarely spent the night here. Last night he did though, not that I was here. I was working. He needed to crash here, and this is all that is left. I walk out of the room, slamming the door, not satisfied with the sound it makes, I try again. The door crashing against the frame, I can hear it splinter. "I love you too." I murmur. I don't know why. He doesn't understand me, he doesn't truly love me, but I can't help but love him. Its the worse feeling in the world, to be deceived.   
  
~*~  
  
I continue to stock the drugs, "I need a nurse." I turn and see Carter looking at me. "I just- Everyone else is busy." He tries not to make eye contact with me. I hesitate, but he doesn't leave. "Abby-" He says in a warning voice, his eyes downcast on the floor. I shuffle out of the tiny space, shit I knew I shouldn't have been in tiny spaces for long. I follow him to the exam room, a man laying on the bed. He looks dazed, great. At the least we could have had a patient that talked a lot to try and east the tension in here. No such luck. Carter examines him, as I stand on the oppisite side of the bed fidgeting nervously. "Uh- can I come by and-" He clears his throat. His eyes meet mine reluctantly. "I just need my stuff." He says firmly.   
  
"Yeah sure. I get off at seven."   
  
"Okay." He watches as I jot a few things down on the chart, I can still feel his eyes on me. "What?" I ask a little bit annoyed. I don't want to talk to him today.  
  
"I'm sorry. I should have been nicer-"  
  
"Carter. Its fine okay, just piss the hell off." I say tossing the chart across the bed at him. He catches it. I walk through the exam room door, I can't do this. I can't pretend like everything is okay with him. It isn't. I can't have him over at my house. "Abby-" He calls running up behind me. "Look, just leave me alone. Okay? I will bring your stuff to work tomorrow." He stares at me, breathing heavily. His eyes look around. I know they are all watching us. I don't give a damn. I just, I can't believe I lost him. He wanted me to be someone I wasn't. He didn't truly love me, but for some reason I can't get enough of him. He is my drug. I need him to survive. Looking into his big brown eyes is driving me crazy.   
  
I hold gazes with him for a second longer. "I'm sorry." I whisper, he doesn't love me and I can't handle it. I would never let him know that, I have to be strong, I have to prove to him, to everyone that I can make it on my own. I can survive. Even if I end up alone. I can make it by. 


	3. Painful words

Authors Note- Hey all. Thanks for reviewing my last few chapters. I am trying to regularly update this fic, although it doesn't really seem to be grabbing that much attention right now, I am doing my best to make it more interesting. I will be having more of Abby's friendships too, to add a few more characters and interesting spins into the story. I hope you like, and as always feedback is more then welcome, so please review.  
  
Disclaimer- I don't own them.   
  
*Chapter Two*  
  
I untwist the cap of the half full bottle of tequila. Successfully opening it. A whiff of the hard drug smacks me in the face. I take a step back adjusting to the harsh smell that is soon filling my body. I take a deep ragged breath, I slowly stalk to the kitchen, bottle in hand. Swinging open a cupboard door I pick out a heavy glass, setting it down on the counter I watch as the liquid fills the glass. I bring it up to my nose, breathing in the familiar scent, letting it swoosh around in the bottom of the dingy glass. I look around my empty apartment, it feels so cold and lonely. I stare at the door, maybe he will walk in. Catch me in the act, but of course he won't. Neither will ever happen again. I am no longer his to worry about. I bring the drink up to my lips, as the bitter sweet taste passes by my lips and down my throat. I tilt the glass a little further, finishing off the last of the glass remains. I look at the bottle, still so much more. This pain has yet to subside. I pick up the bottle, it clanks against the counter as I clumsily poor myself another glass. I don't bother swishing this one around, I just down it. Cringing as the taste sits in my mouth. A reminder of how big of a fuck up I really am. I look at the again, empty glass. I can't keep going on like this, in this endless circle of self deprecating hate. I am only hurting myself. I have already drove the man I love away. I did the same to Luka, I give them the chance and they take it without so much as a glance back. Why they even start dating me is beyond me. They only end up leaving. Maybe they have some false idea that they can rescue me from my downward spiral into hell. They can't. I am, as Carter said, Hopeless. I stumble over to the couch, liquor bottle in hand. I left the glass on the counter, who needs glasses when I can just down this whole bottle. I swing the bottle around, looking around the room. A picture of Carter and I catches my wandering eye. His arm is carelessly placed around my waist, as his cheek is pressed up next to mine. I vividly remember when that picture was taken. Happier times.   
  
It was Susan's Christmas party. God can she throw a party. Hospital staff every where, watching your every move, taking mental notes for later gossip. We had danced, laughed, kissed. I had no worries that night, because he was all mine. We were happy, he had yet to see the real me. See through the facade I put on from time to time. The light has been shone on me. That was a night I will remember for the rest of my life, just like every other moment I spent with him. I take another swig from the big glass bottle. "Bastard." I mutter under my liquor induced breath. "Fuck him." I run my fingers through my hair, something he use to do. I have to stop thinking about him. He is just, just a worthless piece of my past. He will move on, hell he is probably in some other women's bed right now. So it is time I move on too, I can't let my pain and misery hold me back any more. I have to break free. I pick up the picture that sat on the table, the frame accentuating the smiles of the once happy couple. The silver- blue frame caught my eye when I saw it in the store, I bought it specifically for that reason. To put a picture of us in, we had none in what was, our apartment. I trace my finger along our faces, I fucking hate him. I knew he would hurt me. Why did I let it go this far? I should have stopped him. I toss the frame onto the floor, behind the couch. I turn and see that the glass has shattered into many pieces, the frame is still intact, with cracked glass sitting on the picture, while little pieces surround it. Broken, just like us.   
  
An incessant rapping on the door brings me out of my semi conscious state. I look at it, then back down at the picture of us. I have no idea who it is, I drag myself over to the door, fumbling with the lock as I try to unlock it. I swing the door open falling backwards with it. "Abby?" I look up to see a blurred vision of Carter standing in front of me.  
  
"John-" I slur. He looks at me worriedly, I stumble forward, reaching out for support he grabs me by the waist holding onto me. "Whoa, you've been drinking." He brings his head up. He walks in, holding me closer to his body trying to support both of us. Closing the door he steadies me, giving me a disappointed look. He wraps his arm around my waist leading me to the couch. I tried to push off him, but he wasn't about to let me go. "Abby, what the hell did you do?" He bent down grabbing the empty tequila bottle.   
  
"Just leave me alone John." I flopped down on the couch, my head gently hitting the arm.   
  
"You're drunk." He picked my feet up and placed them on the couch as well.   
  
"No." I said closing my eyes. "I am fine, just go home. I told you I'd bring your stuff to work tomorrow." He started making some noise, I opened one of my eyes, he was sweeping up the glass from the shattered picture frame. He slowly lifted it up, looking at the picture. A small smile spread across his face, it vanished as quickly as it came though, he tossed the whole thing into a waiting garbage bag. I sigh, "Just go." He sets the broom in the corner, then walks over to me. "Not until I know you are going to be okay."  
  
"I'll be fine, you're the only one whose hurting me. I don't need you around me any more."  
  
"Abby-" He says hurt.  
  
"No John, what we had was- it was meaningless to you, I know you don't love me. Guess what Baby, I feel the same." I am propped up on my elbows, he watches me intently.  
  
"You don't mean that." He says under his breath. I nod furiously, until I give myself a headache. "Yes I do. Don't tell me what I do or don't mean." I flop back down on the couch. His eyes set upon me. I try to roll over onto my side, to avoid his gaze, but moving makes my stomach churn and eventually I can feel the burning as vomit makes its way up my throat, prying open my lips and spraying all over the couch. "Ugh." My head falls to the side, "I don't feel so good."   
  
~*~  
  
The annoying beeping of my alarm clock, rouses me into consciousness. I look around me, the room spinning. Some how I ended up in my bedroom, I don't remember much from last night. Just throwing up. I slowly sit up, I see a glass of water set on my bedside table, beside it two Advil. I pop them into my mouth, knowing someone was here last night. I looked over at the other side of the bed, the bed sheets dishevelled, and the comforter tossed haphazardly onto me. Someone slept there, and I have a pretty good indication of who it was.   
  
I shove everything off of me, slowly making my way into the bathroom. Everything I do seems be done slow these days. I am moving in slow motion, slowly watching as the lonely hours of my pitiful life tick by me. I turn the shower on, I hop in, finding it not hot enough, I turn the temperature to scalding. The water beating up against my skin, I flinch at the feel of it. I feel like shit, I shouldn't have drank last night. Now I feel like an even bigger fool, I know Carter was here. He is going to know I can't make it on my own, that I need him. There goes my goal of trying to prove that I am better off with out him. I am better off with out him, I just need a little time to get my life in order, my head sorted out. I can be happy. I don't need a man in my life to make me happy. I think for so long I have relied on men to make me happy, I have to do it for me now, make myself happy. I turn off the shower, I push the curtain over grabbing a warm towel. I wrap it around my shivering body. I have a shift soon, I hope he is not working, he will never let me forget last night. I can't believe he slept in my bed though... With me. God, what did I do? Who knows what I tried on him, I may never find out. Sometimes it takes me a few days to remember what I did when I was drunk, sometimes I never find out. I pad across my carpeted bedroom, I see nothing of his. No articles of clothing, not even a stray sock that he forgot. I open up what use to be his dresser drawer. Nothing. Empty, it really is over. I slam the drawer shut. Walking over to my bra that was laid out on the chair, well he must have undressed me, I did wake up in my pyjamas. I hope I didn't... No, I wouldn't try anything on him. I continue getting dressed, I just hope he is not working today, because the last thing I need is a lecture, or to find out that I slept with him. After declaring myself fine without him. He'd get a kick out of that and throw it in my face every chance he got. I throw my hair up in a messy bun, I feel like shit and look like it too. I don't want to work, but it doesn't look like I am given much of a choice. I have worked with a hang over before, I can do it. I'd just rather not have to.   
  
The L is packed, its eight o'clock in the morning, so I guess that doesn't really surprise me. I end up having to stand, I squish myself in between a heavy business man, in a nice suit and a bum. Whose stench is making me nauseous, which isn't hard today. The train pulls to an unexpected halt, I fly forward into the heavy man. My head aches, my stomach is turning. This is not going to be a good day. At All.   
  
~*~  
  
I walk with my head down into the ambulance bay, I really don't want to be here. "Hey." I look up to see Susan and Carter standing in front of me. Carter looks away, avoiding looking at me at all costs. I glance at him, seeing a hickey on his neck, Susan's eyes follow mine. We both stare at the hickey, I know I gave it to him. Susan obviously does not. She looks at me with an 'I'm sorry look on her face.' His neck snaps back over to us. "What?"   
  
"Jesus Carter." Susan says angrily. I do my best to avoid his gaze this time. He looks at me, and I get uncomfortable. "I have to go." I say starting to walk away.  
  
"Abby-" I look back at Susan.  
  
"Yeah." She smiles at me sympathetically.  
  
"Girls night tonight?" I nod my head yes, figuring I need to get out of the house a bit more. Have some fun with my friends. 


	4. Mistakes being Made

Authors Note- Just a quick update right now, hopefully I can get a longer chapter up tomorrow, or tonight even.   
  
*Chapter Three*  
  
"So, you're happy at least?"  
  
"Ha, well yeah. I guess you could say that." Susan twirls the straw around in her 'pink' drink. I do not know what it is, and I don't care to find out.   
  
"What did he say when you told him?" She shrugs at me, then proceeds to roll her eyes.   
  
"Uh- he was shocked." I nod in agreement, if my father was still around I would be a little nervous to tell him something like this too. "You know, he will be okay with it though. I mean, he has never met Chuck, but I am sure he would like him. Well maybe not, but I am having his child so he will just have to deal with it." I laugh, watching as she takes a sip of her drink. "Virgin drinks suck you know that?" I laugh again, good thing I don't have to worry about that.   
  
"I can only imagine." I say taking a sip of my 'non virgin' drink. I know I promised myself I wouldn't drink. But I am out with friends, so I am only having a good time. Tonight I am not drinking to get drunk.   
  
"Hey guys." Sam sits down, placing her drink on the table. Chen follows suit, grabbing an empty chair next to me.   
  
"What's new?" Sam asked sipping her beer, I looked around the table, hoping someone would answer this so I wouldn't have to. I know they are all interested in what happened between Carter and I. Susan eases the some what awkward moment. "Well, I'm pregnant." She downs her drink, then looks over at our smiling faces. The air is again heavy with an awkward silence.   
  
"So Abby, you and Carter broke up huh?" Chen asks somewhat coldly. I know they have always been friends, but she doesn't have to be a bitch about it. I look at her, as does Susan and Sam. Her head jolts up from its position; looking down at her drink. She doesn't seem to be clued in as to why we are staring at her. "Uh- yeah." I say trying to get rid of some of this tension. I push my straggly hair out of my eyes. I can feel my cheeks burn as their eyes bore into me. The dimly lit room brings me some comfort, knowing that they can't see how uncomfortable and upset I really am. The music blares through the speakers, as we sit in an eerie silence. "Well I am going to dance, with that cute guy over there." Chen says getting up and walking towards a guy that has been eyeing her all night.   
  
"Are you really okay Abby?" Sam asks softly. I nod my head, taking a sip of my drink.   
  
"Yeah, I should have seen it coming. Hell I did see it coming. It wasn't going to last. It was stupid of me to get involved with him anyways." I sigh sadly. Susan and Sam stare at me sympathetically. "You love him Abby, it wasn't stupid." Susan reasons. "I tried to get out of him who gave him that hickey, he just got all defensive and told me to stay out of it."   
  
I am kind of glad Carter didn't tell anyone about last night. I would prefer he tells me first. I haven't remember anything thus far, and have a feeling that I probably won't. All I know is that I did a number on the guys neck. I don't know when that would have happened, maybe I just attacked him, but wouldn't he stop me? Maybe he had a hard time, who knows. I can be a bit vicious and wild when I want. "Well, who ever it was is a tramp." Sam concludes. I almost spit out my drink at this, I'm not a tramp, just a horny drunk. "Sorry-" Lucky for me my pager goes off just as I am about to finish the sentence. Not that I really had anything left to say. "Shit. Its work." I smile gloomily, "I'll go outside and call." They nod as I leave the table. I walk outside, passing by many drunks on my way out. I dial the hospitals number, a number I unfortunately know by heart. "ER." Oh great, just who I wanted to talk to.   
  
"It's Abby, you paged me."  
  
"Yeah, we need you in here."   
  
"Well, I am busy right now." I counter, I don't want to go in. I spent all day working I am not about to spend another eight hours in that hell hole.   
  
"Abby, we need you in here." He says quite forcefully.  
  
"Look John, just call in another nurse." I sigh, I push my hair out of my face.  
  
"No." He fights back, why is he being so difficult about this.  
  
"Well I am not in the state to work." I offer, I haven't had much to drink, but I should not be working.   
  
"Oh so last night wasn't enough for you?" He spits back angrily, he is not impressed and I am wondering exactly what he is referring to. Me being drunk, or what went on between the two of us.   
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"Look Abby, we need you in here."   
  
"John- I can't right now. Okay. I am out with some friends- and just- just. I don't even know why you are calling me. I am not on call."   
  
"Fine don't come in." He sighs defeated. "Just do me a favour, go home."  
  
"No." I say firmly, I don't owe him any favours, and he is certainly not telling me how to live my life.   
  
"Abby, you don't even know what went on last night." He fires.  
  
"No? So why don't you enlighten me?" I say angry, he is really pissing me off. We are not together, why won't he just let me live my own life.   
  
"You puked all over your couch for one. I had to clean the damn thing up." I knew there was a foul smell in the apartment this morning.   
  
"Is that why you were in my bed?" I don't say this meanly, more as a question.  
  
"Yeah." He sighs, "You were fucked Abby. Please, don't do this to yourself." I mull this over, he is right, I shouldn't be drinking. I get the urge to obey him, tell him he is right. That I will not stay here any longer. But I don't, this will only satisfy him, let him think he has control. Maybe me drinking is also giving him control. I can't be sure of either.   
  
"I got to go Carter." I slam the phone down. Looking at it once more, maybe I am not making the right decision, but it is the one I will have to live with. I head back into the bar, the room crowded full of drunken adults, trying to forget their horrible lives. Or just out to have a good time. I push through the masses, Sam and Susan still seated at the table. "Hey." I plop down on the hard wooden chair.  
  
"Hey Abby, Don't look now, but that guy behind you was checking you out. Even before you got your page." She winks at me and I subtly turn my head to see a tall man staring at me. His good looks are apparent. His hair falls carelessly in front of his eyes, his eyes seem dark, sad. He slowly approaches us. "Hey." I smile back at him, taking a sip of my second drink. "Want to dance?" I am not sure if it is the alcohol, or being vulnerable, but I find myself very attracted to this man. "Uh-" I look at Sam and Susan who are urging me to join him. I reluctantly get up, smiling at him shyly. He extends his hand, and I take it, he leads me onto the dance floor, his arms are immediately wrapped around my waist. He is warm, his lips by my cheek, I can smell the liquor on his breath. His lips trace gently along my skin, I wince slightly as he makes his way to my mouth. He is hesitant, before making his move. His lips gently massage mine, his tongue awaiting entrance, as I slowly open my mouth. I can feel as he runs his fingers all over my body. 


	5. John

Authors Note- Hey, this chapter is not so good. I did my best though. None the less, it is chapter four, I am not really sure where I am going with this right now, it is angsty at the moment. But it will get into different stuff. This is just the intial stuff. I will try to make it less angsty, but first you gotta get through the angst. Please read and review, tell me if you like it or not. Oh for those 'Hate to Love And Back' fans, I will try to post an answer to the big 'is there or isn't there, a sequel.' question in tomorrows authors Note.   
  
*Chapter Four*  
  
The sun blares in through the half open blinds, I can feel my hair strewn all across my face, I lazily push it out of the way, rolling onto my side. I don't dare to open my eyes, knowing the pounding headache that awakes me will not be worth the visual of my messy bedroom. I don't remember much about last night, just how it had begun. My argument with Carter sticks out like a sore thumb. I feel a hand fall upon my stomach, oh god, what have I done. I am not sure whose hand that is. Did I go back to Carter, in some vulnerable messed up state? Is it some strange man that I have never met before, who I just happened to run into and hop into bed with? I pry open my eyes, looking to the right I find the latter lying in bed with me. Softly snoring, his hair tousled, his mouth hung open. I slap my hand over my eyes, hoping maybe, just maybe it will all go away next time I open them.   
  
I slowly open them again, only to find him even closer to me. This can not be happening. I now wish it was the former, I would rather have Carter naked in my bed then a man I picked up at a bar. I lift up the sheet, well I am definitely naked, so is he, and boy is he hung. I must of had fun last night, I just wish I could remember it. I push the sheets off me, stepping out of bed, I knew it would be a matter of minutes before the headache hit. I look over at my night stand, this time, no Advil. I walk into the washroom, I run the water, finding it not hot enough. I hope in, turning the water to scalding, just like I did yesterday. This is seeming all to familiar, and this is a routine that I definitely do not want to get into. At the same time seems to be one that I can not break. I push the tap to hotter, the water sprays out onto my back, I flinch at first touch adjusting to the temperature quickly. I tip my head back as the water hits me, "hey you." The curtain is pushed open as a naked man joins me in the shower. I watch as he envelopes me in his arms, kissing my neck, pushing the wet strands of h air away. This is situation is also all to familiar. Why I am I living in a constant De Ja veu? The saddest part of all of this is, I can't even remember the mans name. He presses up against me, his lips making their way to mine, I can taste him on me as he slowly moves lower, his lips making their way down my whole body. I put my hands on his shoulders bringing him back up to my level. "Hi." He says in a low voice.   
  
"I have to work." I run my fingers through his hair.   
  
"Okay, I'll walk you in." I let out a low throaty laugh, he is just a guy I picked up at a bar last night. He is suppose to use me for one night, not want to keep me around.   
  
"Do you even remember my name?" I smile, he returns the smile with a light kiss on the lips. "Abby." Well at least one of us knows what or rather who we were doing. "By the way, I'm John." I stop dead, my body freezes. He notices this looking me in the eye.  
  
"What?"   
  
"No- Nothing. Nothing, don't worry." I feign a smile, as he moves into kiss me once more.   
  
"I'll let you shower." He pulls open the curtain leaving me alone with my thoughts. What are the odds. I end up in bed with two John's, two different John's mind you, in the course of two nights. I quickly finish up my shower, then head for the kitchen in my robe.   
  
The smell of bacon, eggs and coffee hangs in the air. The other John left me Advil, this one cooks for me. Not a bad deal. "Here you go." He smiles, placing a plate of food in front of me, he hands me the cup of coffee. "I am just going to have a shower." I nod, taking a sip of the coffee, its good coffee too. I push my wet hair out of my way. This guy is a god, he is way to good to be true. Hell I picked him up at a bar, or he picked me up. Which ever one it is, it must be an indication of a fault somewhere in his personality. Even if its something as simple as claustrophobia, there has to be something. I take another bite of my eggs, just as the phone rings. I get up from my seat and head over to it.   
  
"Hello."   
  
"Thank god you're okay." Susan, well at least she cares enough to check up on me. Even if its not to save me from coming home with a guy I don't even know.   
  
"Hey Susan." I say dryly. She sighs deeply.  
  
"You took off last night, I wasn't sure where you went. You went to dance, then all the sudden we couldn't find you any where." I was probably here fucking John. "We looked all over for you, Chen thought you might have gone to Carters, so we called him-"  
  
"You called John???" I interrupt, Jesus, the last thing I need is him on my case about my drinking again. I can just imagine the conversation we will be having when I see him next. He just doesn't know how to bud out and let me live my life. His the one who ended this. He put himself out of misery, he ended the worst relationship of his life. The one that could destroy. Now can't he just stay away from me, he will be doing us both a favour.  
  
"Yeah, he was really concerned. Don't worry I didn't tell him about the guy you were dancing with. So where were you?" She is now more interested in juicy gossip, now that she knows I am safe.   
  
"I was here." I pause, knowing Susan is going to drag the information out of me sooner or later so I might as well just tell her. "I came back here with the- the guy you saw me dancing with."  
  
"Abby-" She says flabbergasted, I nod, a small smile playing across my lips.   
  
"I know, I know. But it was different, I don't know. A good different." I peek my head around the wall, seeing if John has finished in the shower yet.  
  
"Abby, how can a guy you barley know be better then a guy, you well. You love." I think about this, it seems so absurd, but in a way its a relief to have something without any baggage. With this new guy, it would be meaningless, fun, exciting. I never know what he is going to do next. I push my hair behind my ears, it is starting to dry, I push it away once more.   
  
"Listen Susan, I gotta go." She agrees to meet me for coffee, so we can talk about this new man. Who could be robbing me of everything I own as we speak. I hang up the phone, slowly making my way towards my bedroom. He is walking around in his tight blue jeans, he definitely has a nice body. "Hey." He walks towards me, buttoning up his shirt, as I look around for my bra. He watches as I get dressed.   
  
"So your a nurse right?" Is walk into the washroom, searching the confine space for my blow dryer. He props himself up against the door frame watching as I blow my hair dry. "You're beautiful." He says with a mischievous smile on his face. I turn around, watching as he runs his fingers through his hair. Just like Carter. I sigh thinking for a second, he notices my sudden change in attitude. I quickly divert his attention by changing the subject. "Yah I'm a nurse." I smile slightly, continuing my drying.   
  
"Lawyer," he can read my mind. I smile, a lawyer huh. Not too shabby. I run my fingers through my semi dry hair. It will have to do. I throw it up in a bun, walking out to find my clothes.  
  
~*~  
  
"So this is where you work?" We approach the run down building that is county general.   
  
"Yeah, its not so bad. We are under going some major renovations." I am not sure if I believe this guy. He doesn't seem like the lawyer type. His laid back, sweet, and I can not picture him in a suit.   
  
"I know we just met, but maybe we could meet again." He leans in towards me smiling. I nod starting to push loose strands of hair out of my face, when he reaches in doing it for me. His fingers linger on my jaw line.   
  
"How do you not have a boyfriend?" He asks in a barley audible whisper. I shrug my shoulders, a sad smile crosses my lips. He can sense something is wrong.  
  
"He's a fool." He murmurs, "any guy would be to leave you." Slowly he leans in a kisses me gently, his tongue plays a long my lips for a second longer before he pulls away.   
  
"I have to go, I will call you." He brings his hand to mine, holding them together for a moment.   
  
"Bye Abby." He slowly walks towards the L, I watch as he makes his way up the stairs. He's not Carter, but he is something. I turn to walk away bumping into someone.  
  
"So you had fun last night I see." He says bitterly.  
  
"Lay off it Carter." I manage to avoid his gaze as I quickly make my way into the hospital.   
  
"So what we break up two days ago and you've already moved on?" Hurt evident on his face.   
  
"Its not that simple." I sigh, fidgeting with the combination on my locker.   
  
"Really? Cause it sure seems that simple." he hastily runs his fingers through his fingers, knocking over some of his neatly spiked hair.   
  
"John, its complicated between us." I counter, my lock still jammed.   
  
"So what? You just give up. Just like that?" He leans against the locker looking me in the eye. I fiddle with the lock once more sighing in defeat. He takes over managing to open in it his first try. Show off.   
  
"I didn't give up John, you did." I spit back.  
  
"Then I come over and you try to sleep with me!" He screeches, I am not entirely surprised by this, but I am ashamed.   
  
"I was drunk." I say embarrassedly.  
  
"Well, you know what they say. When you're drunk the truth comes out." He rubs the spot on his neck where the hickey is.  
  
"Did we-" He looks at me confused. "You know have-" He jumps in cutting me off angrily.   
  
"God Abby, no we didn't. I would never do that to you." He moves closer to me. "I would never want to hurt you in any way. I would never do anything to break your heart."  
  
"Too late." I mutter, his face falls. I duck under his outstretched arm. As much as I love him, and I do. He is the one who gave up this time, he ran away. It was simpler for him this way. I wanted it to work. I really did. I try to open the lounge door, but before I can he reaches up and slams it closed.   
  
"I've had enough too Abby. I can't wait around forever Abby and I won't." His words sting, his expression, strong and confident.  
  
"No ones asking you too." I swing the door open, leaving him in the dust. Making what could be the biggest mistake of my life. Bigger then last night. I feel like I am falling, drowning, suffocating. Slowly killing myself. The one person who can save me, make it all better. Fix me, fix my life, fix us, doesn't want to. Can't. 


	6. Force Filled Love

Authors Note- Still not so sure what direction this story is going in... If you have any ideas please share them with me. Thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed, I love the reviews, they are what keep me writing. If anyone was intrested in being my beta reader, cause if some of you might have noticed I kind of need one lol. If you're interested you can just email, my address is in my profile thing. And I'll post it here just in case, zippybebird@hotmail.com. Thanks everyone. Just a quick, short chapter for today:)  
  
*Chapter Five*  
  
I rub my forehead, trying to sooth the constant pounding. No such luck. "You think maybe you girls are getting a little old for your girls nights?" I look over to see a grinning Greg Pratt. Not one of my favourite people to say the least, his cocky arrogance annoys most of the staff here at county. "Never." Chen says walking around the admin desk and flirtatiously running her fingers along Pratt's arm. Well that's enough to make me vomit.  
  
I head into the lounge, my shift is finally over, I contemplate calling John. Does he actually want to get together for coffee? It was just a fling, a meaningless fling. I scan the lounge, Carter is laying down on the couch, eyes closed. His one arm draped across his forehead. He looks exhausted. I watch as his chest rises and falls, reminding me of a night a while ago. We had been arguing all day over my drinking, after abandoning me at the L station I thought he wouldn't be talking to me for awhile. Surprisingly he came by my place later that night. It was one of the best nights of my life. We talked, laughed, made love. I watched him sleep that night. He looked so peaceful, at ease with himself, the world, and us. Just watching him I thought I would never have to let him go. But I did, he is no longer mine to watch.   
  
He starts to stir bringing me out of my thoughts. His eyes flutter opening, I smile weakly at him, thinking about the way things use to be is painful. He turns his head, this time he is the one watching me. "Hi." He says tiredly, I walk over to my locker, this time opening it on the first try. "I'm sorry." He approaches me, slowly. I look up at his pleading brown eyes. "A little late for that isn't it?" I force the words out, choking on them slightly. My hair falls carelessly in front of my eyes. His fingers pull the strands away tucking them behind my ears. "Abby-" His voice is low, his hand lingers on my face.   
  
"I thought you weren't going to wait?" I turn to him, pulling away from his touch.   
  
"I am not." He takes a step back, "I just, I wanted you to know that no matter what, I am always there for you." I scoff at this.   
  
"I don't need you John." I say coldly. Not carrying that is tearing me apart inside to be this cold to him.   
  
"Yeah, you have your new guy now right? The guy who doesn't know anything about you. Who has no real feelings for you, but hey he's a good fuck so why not keep him around." Anger is evident in his voice, I try to stay calm. But I can't. The anger welling up inside me takes over.   
  
"Well at least he accepts me for who I am." I spit back at him. "I don't know what the hell we are even fighting about, we are through. Move on with your life just as I am mine." I screech at him. He nods at me, his jaw clenched tightly.  
  
"Is this what you really want? Just say the word Abby and I'm gone." His face is strong, a mask, hiding his true feelings. His eyes are filled with unshed tears.  
  
"Yes." I whisper. "Move on." I studied the ground with my eyes, concentrating on the mud that has dried into the carpet. I slowly hear him pad away. He's forever gone.   
  
~*~  
  
"So what do you want to do?" I slump down on the couch, finding my familiar spot in the crook of John's arm. Its funny how a one night stand could turn in to a month long relationship. I shrug at him, he kisses me playfully on the head. I can feel him search for the remote, I close my eyes. Taking in his scent, everything about him. I don't love him, I don't know if I ever will. But for now he's what I need. He's not John Carter, he's different. I am not sure if it is a good or bad different. John Carter holds a place in my heart, a place I am reluctant to share with many. I have loved him for so long and letting him go was the hardest thing I have ever done.   
  
I can see him now with her. His new girlfriend. A women whose name I am not familiar with. Mary, Margaret, Mel, Macy. I am not positive. The way she laughs at his nerdy jokes, the ones I use to roll my eyes at. Her hand playing gently along his chest. The way he whispers sweet nothings in her ear. Everything about them is so vivid in my mind. I wish I could erase the memories, forgot about him. But I can't, he will forever be embedded in my heart, my soul, my dreams. "You're thinking about him again aren't you?" John isn't naive. He knows that I am still love Carter. Why he stays with me is beyond me. Maybe he thinks that with time I will forget all about John Carter, that he will no longer be the one I think about when I fall asleep and the face I hope to see every morning when I open my eyes. That is impossible. "John-" I try unsuccessfully. He pulls away from me, clicking off the television.   
  
"Why?" I open my eyes and meet a stern glare. I push my hair behind my ears, trying to avoid his strong gaze.  
  
"I don't know." I look up at him momentarily. His hair fallen in front of his hazel eyes. He watches me, looking for answers.   
  
"I think I'm pregnant." I mutter. His face softens, a smile daring to play across his lips. He takes my face in his hands, wiping the falling tears away. His lips meet mine, his tongue running along my lips, begging for entrance, I resist.   
  
"It's his, isn't it?" our lips still connected, I stop our moment, licking my lips before looking up at him. His eyes begging me for answers. I have none. I don't know. I haven't a clue.  
  
"I don't know." I swallow, watching his expression. "I am not sure how far along I am. It could be, it might not be. The last time I slept with him was a week before you-" He gets up shaking his head. "John-" I try, I get up from my seat and follow him to the window.   
  
"Its bad enough that he is the one you love, the one you want to be with. But now you are carrying his child?" I shake my head, he watches me, scoffing then turning his head towards the ajar window. The cool breeze rushes through his hair. Soothing him momentarily. Before he erupts. "Fuck Abby." I stare at him. His sudden change in attitude is surprising.   
  
"I can't help the baby John." I say weakly. "I can't help it if its his." I plead. "I will love it no matter what-"   
  
"Probably more so if its his." He pauses, then proceeds to walk over to the couch and flop back down.   
  
"That's not true and you know it." I stay in my position. Standing firmly in my spot, I will not let him make me feel guilty about this. "John- We have just started dating, I don't love you yet. Just like you don't love me." He turns his head, his eyes full of unshed tears.  
  
"How do you know that I don't love you?" I slowly walk over to him sitting down next to him. I gently place my hand on his shoulder.   
  
"We have just started dating. We aren't in love yet, but I could see it going that way." I say a smile on my face. "You are great, wonderful, amazing. The best guy I have ever picked up at a bar." He chuckles lightly. "Maybe we started dating too soon. But now that I have you, I'll be damned if I am going to let you go. So we don't know if the baby is yours-"   
  
"I know." His face softens, he pulls me into a hug. I nestle up close to his body, my head resting on his chest, listening carefully to the beating of his heart. "Promise me something." I look up at him, his face serious once again.  
  
"Anything."  
  
"You won't tell him until you know for certain." He isn't backing down. I nod somewhat reluctantly. He plays with my hair, twirling it around his fat fingers. I sigh, I know this is a mess. No matter whose child it is I will love it no matter what. Will John even have to know if it is Carter's baby? I could just lie. Do the immoral, but he doesn't love me. John Carter has his new love of his life. I can't remember her name, but I know that to him she is perfect, the one he has always wanted. I know I don't love John yet, but he has just proven to be a sweet and sensitive man that I can grow to love.   
  
I lift up his hands, intertwining our fingers, a movement I am quite familiar with. Carter and I did this a few times, but it can be my thing with John instead. He smiles at me, placing a soft sensual kiss on my lips. I gently bite down on his bottom lip as he pulls away. His fingers run through my hair, as he lays feather light kisses down my neck. I lift up his shirt, running my fingers up and down his toned chest. He laughs lightly, leaning down to place another kiss on my lips. He grabs my hands pulling me towards the bedroom. Enveloping me in his warmth, as he slowly removes my clothes, our hearts beating in sync. His fingers dance upon my skin, as he takes my right nipple into his mouth, caressing it with his tongue. Yeah, I could definitely love him. 


	7. Rash Reactions

Authors Note- Thanks everyone for their advice. I really appreciate it, and I took all your advice into consideration, you might even find it in this chapter, so thanks once again! I am sorry for the delay on this chapter. I have a vague idea where I would like this to go. But it could still go in a different direction. Anyways, here it is! Please read and review. Thanks so much!   
  
*Chapter Six*  
  
The covers are thrown around the room, articles of clothing hanging off every bed, lamp and dresser post, in sight. I snuggle up closer to the only thing radiating heat. John. His hands are entwined in my sweaty hair. His free hand plays along my belly, tracing patterns. I look up at him groggily. "Hi," he leans down and places a soft kiss on my nose.  
  
"I've decided, that whether its his or not, I'm going to treat it as if it were my own." I smile at him, his fingers tapping rhythmically on my stomach. "Hey baby." He says beaming. I hold his hand in mine, he is so sweet. Regardless, I don't know what I am doing about the baby. I feel as though my hands are tied. I care about John, really I do. But I don't know if I love him. I do not want to have a serious commitment with him just yet. We are serious, but not to the point where we have done anything drastic, such as moving in, or an engagement. I am not ready for that yet. If I am not ready for that with this man, I am not ready for a baby with him. I liked how it was before, we were slow, playfully. Not committing to anything to serious yet. Now I get the feeling other types of commitments are on his mind.   
  
Then there is Carter, who could be the father of my baby. This would definitely interfere with the life he has planned out for himself. His new girlfriend, is well, perfect. She is gorgeous, they will have beautiful children. I know they have only been dating a few weeks, but none the less they seem happy. Too happy almost. But I am not one to pass judgement on others relationships. I don't know how he will take the news, should the child be his. I don't know how I will take the news should the child be his. At this point, I am not sure what I want. Do I want to have this child? Will I do any service to it, as its mother? If it is Carter's child, which is a possibility, I will have already drank while pregnant. What kind of mother does that. Granted I didn't know I was pregnant at the time...   
  
I am an alcoholic on top of everything. No matter what I will always be a drunk. A drunk who has fallen off the wagon many of times. It wouldn't surprise me if I did it again. I guess it wouldn't hurt to have a little more faith in myself. Although I can never be sure what is going to happen.   
  
I successfully manage to untangle myself from John's warm embrace, without a word to him. He watches as I, nakedly, gather my towels and such for my shower. I push loose hair behind my ears nervously as he watches. It is unsettling for some reason. It never bothered me when Carter did it, but for some reason it does with John. Maybe it means something, but I am not going to hold a magnify glass over every bump in our relationship. I hurriedly make my way to the washroom, locking the door behind me. I just want time to myself right now, I don't want him coming in here.   
  
I scheduled an OB appointment today that I did not tell him about. I would like to go by myself for now, just until I know. I would feel better about it. I turn the scalding water on until it is so hot the smell of burning flesh is almost evident in the air.   
  
~*~  
  
The ER doors burst open as I enter, the warm air hitting me like a ton of bricks. "Abby." Susan smiles, I smile back politely. "We need another nurse." She hands me a chart, I skim over it on my way to the vacant lounge. Hanging up my coat, I concentrate more on my issues, then on the man with the stomach flu. I hope Carter isn't working, he may have more then one question regarding my trip to OB. Although, I don't believe there is any reason for him to be concerned with it. I am almost a hundred percent sure it is John's. I have feeling, I just know. This scares me a bit. Knowing that this baby could bring our relationship to a whole new level. Not to mention bi polar disorder, which the child could have. John barley knows the half of it. How is he suppose to love a child who could potentially ruin his life. Not that I wouldn't love any child of mine, but would he really be willing to give up his life for this child. I am not so sure I am.   
  
I have done it before so why not do it again. It was hard the first time, but what is stopping me? I could just make something up to tell John. Some fabricated lie to cover up the painful truth. It would be wrong, but how would he take it if I told his I got an abortion because I was afraid. He would disown me. I couldn't blame him. I am the only person to blame at this point. I am the real fuck up. Before I make any rash decisions I will have to think all my options over, maybe talking to John about it wouldn't be a bad idea either. He could maybe help me through everything. He just doesn't know me well enough yet. He doesn't know the insecure Abby. He only sees the mask I put on for him. If he knew me like Carter did, he would take off just like Carter did.  
  
I slam my locker door closed, leaving the lounge only to see Carter's new arm ornament. Great, this is the last thing I need. Amongst all my troubles, I need her to rub in my face just how great John's got it. She wouldn't do that though. 'Cause she's perfect. Maybe not, but she is very nice. For the most part everyone likes her. Susan thinks she nice, she wouldn't spend time with her, but I think she deems her some what acceptable. I walk over to admin, avoiding her gaze, that seems to be boring into me. "Excuse." She says to me. She hasn't a clue as to who I am. Carter has not told her a thing about me. Which makes me a bit sceptical of their relationship. I turn around, flashing her a fake smile. "Yes." I say in an exasperated voice. She looks a little annoyed at my tone of voice, but continues on none the less.   
  
"Do you know where John Carter is?" I sweep a few strands of hair out of my face.  
  
"I haven't a clue. I just got on, and have not see him." I walk away from her, over to the board. She follows me over, staying on the other side of the desk the all the while.   
  
"Can you page him or anything?" She scrunches up her nose and looks hopeful, that there is some other way to contact her lovely boyfriend. They probably want to have a quickie in the exam room. Blah, whatever I don't care. Been there done that, Luka was better.   
  
"Tammy." I look over my shoulder as Carter comes rushing towards us. He has a small smile on his lips, he doesn't exactly look thrilled to see her. More just eager to get her the hell away from me. Don't worry, Gamma's boy, I'm not going to pollute your little girlfriends mind with horror stories of how big of a prick you really are. That isn't to say you have a big prick. I roll my eyes as she embraces him, he uncomfortably accepts the hold she has on him. I roll my eyes at them, becoming annoyed with there overt displays of affection. "Carter, shouldn't you be doing work?" I question rudely. He holds Tammy by the waist, while giving me a death stare. "I'm the doctor here Abby, so you do what I say. Not the other way around." He spits at me.   
  
"I don't care what you say. You have patients to be seen, you shouldn't be out here sucking face with some women." He looks upset, as Tammy steps away from him. Promptly kissing him on the cheek. About to leave, but Carter grabs her wrist to stop her.   
  
"Grow up Abby." He says through clenched teeth. I roll my eyes at him. I am more grown up then he is proving to be lately.   
  
"Fuck off." I say barley audible, but I know he heard it. I stomp off, not wanting to spend another minute in front of him. I know my behaviour was immature. But I am feeling over whelmed by everything lately, and I just can not deal with another minute of them making out in front of me.  
  
I push out of the hospital, I need to be alone. The only place I can think of to do that is the bench. Our bench. By the river. It will only remind me of him, and the hate I have for him at the moment. At least I'll be alone. Right now that is exactly what I need. To be alone. I rush down the stairs, my feet hitting the pavement so hard, the sound echo's. I sulkily sit on the bench, wishing I had a nice hot cup of ... "Coffee?" I look up to see a cup of coffee dangling in front of my face. 


	8. A Helping Hand

Authors Note- I am sooooooo sorry about the lack of updates recently. I have been busy and unable to write chapters for either of my fics. I managed to get one up today. I will warn you I wrote this chapter in bits and pieces, so it may be weird. Anyways I know it is short, but I hope to get another one up tomorrow that will answer a lot of questioins! Thanks for all the reviews I really appreciate them!!!  
  
Disclaimer- They're not mine. None of it is. You know the drill!  
  
I look up, my eyes focused on the person standing in front of me. "Take the coffee will yah, my hand is starting to get sore." I smile weakly, taking the coffee, I bring it down to my nose, inhaling the harsh scent. I bring the Styrofoam cup to my lips, taking a small sip. The bitter taste lingers on my tongue before I swallow it down. I look up at her, by the look on my face, she sees coffee is not something I need right now. Picking up the cup she tosses it into a near by garbage can. She sits down beside me, her body shaking the bench slightly. "Its a shitty day, today." She sighs, I take in the overcast skies and the sprinkles of rain that leave water droplets on my leather coat. I shrug, focusing my sights on the rough river that lay in front of me. My thoughts overwhelm me, queasiness washes over me. I am left in an uncomfortable state. This day would have gone a lot smoother if I hadn't run into him. The way his hands found the small of her back so easily, his lips on her cheek. Enough to bring up everything I have eaten over the last twenty-four hours, which is virtually nothing. I am aware that I have someone too, and that we act in the same way, or in the same manner, around him. It still hurts none the less. "You okay?"   
  
I smile at Susan, she watches as I nervously tuck strands of hair behind my ears. I nod, biting down on my bottom lip. I turn my gaze towards the river once more, concentrating on the few people that pass by in front of us. All struggling with their own inner demons as well, some having no where to turn too, or feel as though they have no where too turn too. No one, to turn too. So they do the same thing as me, they turn to habits, bad habits. Alcohol, drug abuse, so many others. Some just whither away before their love ones eyes. Slowly deteriorating, no one else having the faintest clue about what is really going on. We are all battling the same battle, fighting the same fight. The fight to stay alive. I have the choice, the decision, to cut the life of what could be, a beautiful child, with a fairy tale life. Or a child who lives in pain and misery. The latter seems to be the most likely option. This child will not be happy, I don't even know who the hell the father is. How can a child be brought into the world under such conditions. If it is Johns it wasn't brought in during love making, we weren't in love, we were fucking. If its Carters, hell there is no possible way to describe my relationship with him. I now believe that Carter being this babies father could be the worst thing. For everyone. I don't know if I am ready to be a mother. What if both men bail on me? What if its Carters and he wants nothing to do with it. John wouldn't be able to accept that its not his. So he would leave.  
  
I can't possibly do it on my own. I cock my head to the side. "I'm scared." I murmur. She looks at me, a sympathetic smile upon her lips.   
  
"Why?" I shake my head, not sure if I am ready to divulge my little secret. Although I have already told John, the worst person to tell at the moment.   
  
"I'm pregnant." She stares at me a second before turning her head and looking out at the water. We stay like this a moment, both ingesting the news, the life that awaits me. The life that awaits her. We are both in the same situation, hers just seems... Happier.   
  
"What are you going to do?" She turns to me, taking in my dishevelled appearance. I shake my head, not really knowing the answer to that question. I have asked myself the same question repeatedly, coming out with the same answer. I can't do it again. I want too. More than anyone knows, I want to go to the clinic. I can't, I can not follow through with the procedure. It took a toll on me when I did it before, I can't do it to myself again. Although not doing could mean a different kind of pain. Right now I am just trying to figure out which option is better.   
  
"It will become clear Abby." She says reassuringly. "I didn't know at first either, but now I do. You will too." I smile at her, not so sure if she's right. It just seems so simple, my life has been anything but simple. "Yeah." I nod my head, she lets out a sigh, rubbing my arm. Our gazes meet once more and a wide grin breaks out on her face. "Besides, you and I can go baby shopping together." I can help but laugh at her eagerness. "We can tear the stores apart." I roll my eyes at her, a helpless smile on my face.   
  
"Its a deal." Her arm wraps around my shoulders pulling me into a makeshift hug. I know that my decision won't be easy, but with friends like this, I can make it through anything. Anything.   
  
~*~  
  
"When's your first appointment." I shove the ice cream covered spoon into my mouth.   
  
"Today." I dig the spoon into the tub of delicious ice cream again, she follows suit.   
  
"Neither of them know?" I look up at her, then at the people walking by the ice cream parlour. Some rushing, others taking time to look around, enjoying life. I wish I could be one of those people who just enjoys whatever life throws their way.   
  
"John knows, Carter doesn't." I sigh, she pulls her chair in closer to the table.  
  
"Whose do you think-"  
  
"John." I cut her off before she can even finish her sentence. Maybe this is wishful thinking. Because however convoluted the situation may be if it is John's baby. It will be worsened ten times over if it is Carters. She nods her head, with a puzzled look on her face.  
  
"Your sure?"   
  
"Call it mothers intuition."   
  
"Or-"   
  
"It can't be Carter's Susan." I shake my head, trying to piece together the exact ways to tell her what I already know. "John Carter does not love me." She opens her mouth to speak, but I don't allow her the opportunity. "He has a dream of what life could be with me, if I were... Perfect." The word gets stuck in my throat. Its an expectation I could never live up too. One his new fling already seems to be doing. "He fooled everyone into thinking he loved me though." I laugh bitterly, "Hell even me. I thought he was head over heels for me. It wasn't till later that I started to realise how much I really disappointed him. You have it great with Chuck, just don't let him go." She looks at me sadly, knowing that nothing she can say or do will change how I think or feel.   
  
We start our walk towards the hospital. Silence encompasses us, neither one knowing what to say. I know she is searching for the right words. I am praying she never finds them. No matter how perfect the words may sound, the truth is still there. Hidden behind a wall of lies, and misinterpreted truths. Perfection was lost long ago, now I am left with emptiness, hoping that John can fill the void Carter left. I may be living a lie, but for now its the only thing that feels right. We walk into the hospital, she links her arm to mine pulling me into a quick hug before turning into the lounge. Taking a deep breath I head towards OB, where my fate awaits me. 


	9. Loosing grip

Authors Note- I know it has been like a week, I wanted to update more frequently, but I haven't gotten the chance to write another chapter. Anyways here it is. I hope you enjoy. Thanks to everyone who reviewed.   
  
*Chapter Eight*  
  
I nervously fiddled with the corners of the newspaper. Bending them this way and that. Strands of hairs falling all over the place. I let go of the paper moving my shaking hands to my face, tucking the hairs behind my ears. My eyes darted around the room, looking for something to concentrate on. Just the thought of walking through that door was taking a toll on me. In a few moments I will have the answers to all my questions. Well question. The one that has been eating me alive for the past few days. The thought that has swarmed my mind, leaving me with endless questions. One question leading to the next... Yet no answers arrived, the only answer to my question lays in front of me. But I can't move forward. I can't move my legs from this spot. I am glued. Either way someone is going to get hurt. The someone in both cases being me. John Carter and I have such a complicated history together, one that not even the greatest of authors could produce into a book. The complexity of it eats me alive. It runs so deep. Our love runs so deep. I am not sure if I would rather have it be John's or... John's. Somewhere deep inside me. In the vast depths of my soul I know I need it to be Carters.  
  
"Abigail Lockhart." A tired voice bringing me out of my thoughts me. My head jerks up to me the droopy eyes of a women about mid sixties. Her face full of wrinkles, making her age even more apparent. I smile at her, willing my feet to move. I stand up, shakily. I manage to make it to the exam room alive. The women leads me, handing me a gown.  
  
"Put it on, the doctor will be in to see you any moment." Taking the gown, I start to unbutton my shirt. Refusing to look at my stomach, although I am not showing, I don't want to get the least bit attached to what could be. I fear I already am.   
  
"Abigail?" A auburn haired women enters the room. Her hair tied up in a messy bun. She looks dishevelled, how busy can giving medical exams be. Oh well. I smile confirming her suspicions on who I may be. "I'm Dr. Samson. I will be doing your exam today. Are you ready?" She snaps on her rubber glove, leaving an unsettling feeling in my stomach. I feel as though she is about to reach inside and remove my gull bladder. I carefully nod my head, I lean back onto the exam table. She smiles a tight fake smile as she parts my legs. This is definitely not how I imagined this. I wait as I am poked and prodded at. God, I wish I asked Susan to come with me. I bite my bottom lip as she extracts herself from my crotch and stands in front of me. "Well, Abby, everything looks great. You are about six weeks along-" After that moment the room went silent. She was still speaking, but I could not hear her. The sound of my heart beating erupted in my ears. Its his. Nothing could change that now. No more hope, or convincing myself that it really isn't. I stare straight ahead, a picture of some pregnant lady on the wall clutching her stomach, a huge smile plastered across her face. In big bold letters 'Are you ready?' is written below her. I swallow hard, my throat dry, water would be nice right now. All I can do is focus on the poster. Am I? Am I really ready for this? Maybe this is some sort of sign. "Abby- Abby-" I look up, my attention flashing back to the doctor. "Are you okay?" I stand up, looking for my clothes. I can't be here anymore. I feel trapped. She tries to stop me. "I can't." I say out of breath. "I can't do this!" I push my falling hair out of my eyes.   
  
"Can't do what?" I look at her, not willing to give her the real answer.  
  
"I have to work." She nods, freeing my wrist of her tight grasp. She leaves me alone, I know the exam is not done. I just can't stay here anymore. I need to be free.  
  
~*~  
  
"You're late." I look up to see Carter standing in front of me. His hands resting firmly on the admit desk, a concern look in his eyes, anger all over his face. I know which feature to believe.   
  
"I called in." I huff pushing into the lounge. I can feel him behind me, trying to catch up to me.   
  
"He came by." He says angrily.   
  
"He...Has a name." I fiddle with my lock, pulling on it, trying to open it. It won't budge. My hands cold and clammy, shaking with every touch of the metal lock.   
  
"Whatever." I pull on my lock again. It refuses to open.   
  
"Come on." I try coaxing it. Before I know it, he has gently moved me out of the way and opening the lock. I glare at him, he just rolls his eyes.   
  
"I don't like...John." Hesitant to say his name, I see.   
  
"Good thing your not the one dating him." I toss my stuff into my locker slamming it close.   
  
"Abby." He holds onto my arm. "What is with you lately?"   
  
"Nothing, I'm happy." I lie. A bold face lie to the man I love. He scoffs, not believing the unbelievable. Of course I'm not happy, not only am I in a predicament, but I am also Abby. Which means I can never, ever, be happy. Its illegal.   
  
"I just want the best for you." He says under his breath. His eyes set on mine.  
  
"You didn't seem to think so earlier when you ignored me for her." I shove his hand off of my. He reluctantly lets go.   
  
"I'm sorry. But she is my girlfriend, if I show any-"  
  
"Look Carter, Don't bother." I try to push past him, he won't let me.  
  
"I just want us to be good. I know we aren't together anymore. I know you don't love me anymore." My eyes are downcast, set on the floor of the lounge. I can't look him in the eye, if I do he will know how big of a lie that last statement really was. He can never know the truth.   
  
"We're good Carter. Great even." I plaster a fake smile on my face and push by John, just to run into... "John." I sigh, I walk over to the admit desk and flip through charts.  
  
"I came by earlier. You weren't here." He looks kind of offended, I wonder why. I do live my own life. He is only a part of it. Granted a part that I spend a good portion of my time with. At least recently. I do have friends, colleagues, a job, a family, many things that deserve my attention other then just him.   
  
"I was busy." I say looking up for a second, then back down. He sighs defeated, turning his head as the lounge door opens. He sees Carter exit. He knows I just came from there. Suspicion crosses his faces. I roll my eyes, watching him process whatever the hell he is assuming went on in that room. His face tightens, Carter pushes past him and into the admin area. John focuses on him for a few seconds longer, then back onto me.   
  
"Did you tell him." I shake my head no, I don't want him bringing this up. Carter's head jerks over to us.   
  
"Tell me what?" I shake my head no. John doesn't stop. I get the feeling he is doing this out of anger. He gets the idea that I am hiding something from him. Which I am. But not the thing, he thinks.   
  
"John." I scold. "Just leave, now." He catches my gaze with his own. His feet planted firmly on the dirty tile. His head shaking no, I plead with him.   
  
"Abby." He moves closer. "Don't you think he deserves to know- I mean it is a possibility." I can feel Carter move closer to us, becoming, seemingly, more interested in this conversation.   
  
"Its not a possibility anymore. It is certain." His face falls. "You're trying to punish me John. But I don't need to be punished. I don't need to be with you." He looks broken, but he is not someone I need to be with right now. He reaches forward grabbing my arm tightly.   
  
"Tell me your kidding." He says angry. I push him off me, he reluctantly lets go. Staring at me, "I guess anything is a possible with you. You are a whore." I scoff loudly. Of course I am. 


	10. Coming to terms

Authors Note- Hey, I have actually updated earlier then a week, after my last update. Amazing. Um, a few things. I am completely at a loss with this fic, so if you have any ideas they would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. Another thing, I have been asked a few times what is going on with the sequel with hate to love, the honest truth? I have no clue. We have talked about it a bit, but are both so over whelmed with other things there just hasn't been a moment to write for it. I barley get time to do this one, we haven't written for bitter sweet regrets in over two weeks. But I will keep you posted the minute we decide anything. Anyways thanks so much for the reviews, here is the next chapter.   
  
*Chapter 9*  
  
"What did that piece of paper ever do to you?" I look up to see a smiling Pratt standing in front of me. Rolling my eyes I push past him. I can feel his eyes follow me around the desk and over to the stack of charts. In my hand I hold the piece of paper I spent the last ten hours tearing into tiny shreds. Nothing like a billion thoughts to keep you busy. Endless questions with no realistic answers. Only one thought clouding my mind. Few options to rely on. I don't think I can go through an abortion again. The memory of the last time still haunts me. A secret I've been harbouring for way to long. Not a soul to tell, a dirty little secret. One that so many would use against me. Twice. Twice, would be too much. How I got past the first one is incomprehensible. Many nights I would lay awake wondering why I was dealt such a crappy hand. Convincing myself that my baby would have the same sort of life. Thinking that I did the right thing by it. "Earth to Abby." My eyes meet his, he stares at me. "You okay?" I nod my head, not wanting anyone to see the tears that fill my eyes. He brushes past me, and into an exam room. Good thing for me Pratt is so self involved that he doesn't care what is wrong with others. Maybe being a total jackass has its rewards.   
  
"Abigail." I look up, Susan smiles widely at me. She is about to speak, but she notices the distance between us and immediately closes it. "How'd it go?" She whispers, I look away and shrug. "Did you find out..." Her voice trails off as she notices Carter walking towards us. She gently pulls my arm, guiding me away from him and into an empty exam room, so we could finish our conversation in peace. Or rather, her conversation. "What did-" I broke her off.   
  
"She said I am six weeks along..." I watch her reaction, her mouth drops, eyes wide. What did she expect? I was careful with John, with Carter we had something special. Something... Different.   
  
"So its?" I shake my head yes, not wanting her to say his name. Who knows where he is lurking. My conversation slash break up with John left him suspicion. It would take a moron not to know what he was talking about... Well if the shoe fits. She smiles widely, I frown, causing her smile to dull a little bit. "I'm just glad-"  
  
"I know." I cut her off. I am glad it is not John's too. Carter is well, he is closer to my heart. I have real feelings for him, feelings I have never felt before. Nor shown, not even to Carter. As much as I may have wanted too, I couldn't. I just couldn't let him know how I felt, cause I knew it would make it that much easier for him to rip my heart in two. Which is what ended up happening. I push a stray hair behind my ear, feigning a smile. She notices the phoniness and immediately sighs. "What are you going to do?" I shrug noncommittally. I know she knows what I am thinking about, I am sure she would be against it. I have played with this idea in my mind since I found out about the pregnancy. The only thing stopping me is, well, myself. My conscious. Knowing that I did it once already, I terminated a pregnancy. I got rid of something that could have been beautiful, it could have made my world that much better... I could of made its that much worse. Which was the glitch in my whole fantasy. There was no other option. In this circumstance I have a feeling there is another option. One that I know Susan is going to suggest, it is just a matter of time. "When are you going to tell him?" Oh, there it is. I shrug again.   
  
"I don't know." I sigh, "I know I have too. Well, I know I should, but I don't know how." She shakes her head at me, rubbing my arm affectionately.   
  
"Abby, he is going to support you, no matter what. He will love any child of his. You know that." I nod my head in agreement. That is not the problem. I am not quite sure the problem right now, something just doesn't seem right. The uneasy feeling in my stomach has resurfaced. "You owe it to him." I look at her, the anger apparent on my face. "He is the father-"  
  
"Yeah, he left me. He didn't want anything to do with me. I don't blame him. I can't really. He cut his losses. He did exactly what I had been telling him to do, the only problem is... He left me a little present." I smile bitterly.   
  
"Just because you think he hates you, which he does not, does not mean he would hate any child of his. Hell this probably give him the opportunity he has been waiting for." I look at her quizzically, not really sure what she is talking about. She rolls her eyes at me.  
  
"To talk to you. To work everything out, get back together. Jesus, Abby, do I have to paint you a picture?"  
  
"Obviously." I sigh. "Look, that is the thing. I am having his child. A baby can't magically fix everything though. We still have issues. He has a lack of faith in me. I have a lack of faith in myself. Maybe I need to be alone for awhile, just to figure everything out. I won't be able to do that if he knows about the baby." He will want to talk, or just get back together. No talking, he will think the baby fixes all of our overdue issues.   
  
Susan looks at me sympathetically. She understands, this doesn't mean she agrees. Maybe she does. Do I have any other options. I can tell him, or just go on pretending it is John's. Although the latter is an 'in my dreams,' type thing. I would never do that, I couldn't. I have to have something to fall upon, right now that thing is my dignity.   
  
"You want to talk about it?"   
  
"About what?"  
  
"What you're feeling," Susan clarifies. Ha, Abby Lockhart talk about her feelings. That would be a phenomenon, something big enough to be marked down in history. It would even make text books, if it work to occur of course. Which it never will, because I am emotionally closed off. Protecting myself from anything or one that could possibly hurt me. Use my deepest secrets to lash out at me. I know Susan would never do that. She is one person I could open up too. Unlike a man, she will be there for me forever. Something Carter promised, but he was unable to deliver.   
  
"Nah, I am okay." I lie. She smiles at me, our eyes lock, she is trying to read me. I can feel her eyes bore into me. I don't know what to do or say, I nervously fiddle with my jacket before exiting the exam room. I feel her on my heels, she quickly turns towards admin, while I head for the lounge.   
  
I push open the wooden door, revealing a single person sitting at the table. His eyes downcast upon a text book. The splintering table digging into his arms, his hair messily lying on the top of his head. He looks up slowly, a small smile forming on his lips. I watch him closely, he stares back. The darkness of the lounge enveloping us in a sea of secrets, lies washing up to the shore. Choking on the truth, spitting out tiny white lies, covering what we really feel. Conversation is unavoidable, he has questions, I have regrets.   
  
"Hi." He mumbles, the words barley audible, but they're there. I smile weakly, walking towards my locker. Hoping to keep the truth hidden for just a little longer. "Abby-" He slowly approaches me. Ignoring him, I fumble with my locker, managing to open the door that his given me so much trouble in the past. "Do you have something you need to tell me?"   
  
"No." I breathe. He takes a step closer.  
  
"What was John-"  
  
"Nothing." I snap. Our eyes meet, mine strong. Hiding my true feelings, a mask of false truths covering my face. His weak, vulnerable. "It doesn't involve you."   
  
"Oh." He looks deflated. Hope lost, his voice empty. "He made it sound like you had something..."   
  
"No, Don't listen to him. I have nothing to do with you Carter." He shakes his head, the sadness that once controlled him, now gone. Succumbing to anger and pain.  
  
"If there is something you are hiding from me-" I am about to interrupt, but he doesn't let me. "If you have some secret... I know you do. Abby, I need to know. I deserve to know." I shake my head at him. "You owe me this."  
  
"Why the fuck does everyone say that?" I screech, he takes a step back, obviously awestricken by my sudden outburst. "Yeah, I owe you something? How about you give me something first? Like an explanation. Why did you lead me on, making me think you really loved me, when you never did? Why you let me fall for you, when you were just going to break my heart? Huh. Was I just another victim, someone you could fuck around with." My voice breaking. A tear slowly making its way down my cheek. "Cause it worked. You made me believe that you loved me. You fucked around with me. Mentally and physically, and now I'm pregnant. With your fucking child." I pause, gauging his reaction. The tears trickling down my cheek, his thumb reaches up to wipe them away, but I make one swift motion to knock it away. "Don't." I start, more tears falling. "Don't try to make this all better, it never will be. I don't know what the fuck to do." I sniffle, "I knew you would do this. Try and act like everything is alright. Its not John." He tries to pull me into a hug, I resist, thumping my fists up against his chest.   
  
"Abby-"  
  
"Don't. Don't promise me something you can not deliver. Don't do that to me or my baby."   
  
"Our-" He corrects, "our baby."   
  
"No." 


	11. Precious Decisions

Authors Note- Short and sweet. Sorry, bout the length of this one, but this is what the second update this week, yay me. I am not sure I havemuch of a following on this story yet, but I hope to get one. I have a few ideas of where I want this to go, so expect the updates more frequently.   
  
Disclaimer- They are not mine.  
  
Rating- PG 13 (language near the bottom... you've been warned)  
  
*Chapter 10*  
  
The cool breeze rustle the leaves on the trees, spring, one of the most beautiful seasons of the year. Everything is blossoming, growing, coming out on its own. Most of all, changing. A season so beautiful, it doesn't fit me. I suit the dead of winter. The grey clouds shielding the earth from any heat, and beauty. Flowers hunched over, wilted, their empty cries filling the cold air, as the wind picks them up by their frail stems, tossing them through the air. Snow crunching on your boots, the sound empty, lonely. Nothing about winter is beautiful, its damp and unpleasant. The dirty snow laying on the side of the road waiting to be covered by the fresh fall, so its impurities will no longer be so evident. My pace quickens along the cracked sidewalk. The darkness shadows the earth, leaving me in a eerie sort of peace. Unable to be seen by anyone, yet simply and utterly alone in this world. Anything that may have been going right in life has now taken a turn for the worst. As impossible as it may have seemed it happened. The shit hit the fan, everything I once knew is now gone.   
  
I reach into my pocket pulling out my keys. Finger them I make my way up my walk, my head down focusing on nothing but the grey ground. The cracks in the cement representing the cracks in my soul. Each one made over time, fading and soon to be filled in with dirt and what not, but still there and evident none the less. Everything seems so bleak lately, I feel as though I am walking in an old black and white film. No matter how hard I try I can not find the colour, the positive side to life. One might consider having a child an upside to living. Its not, well, not in my case. I don't think I can do it. Not alone I can't.   
  
"Are you going to even acknowledge me?" I turn my head to the right, there sits a downcast man. His head hanging slightly. His hair matted down, a look of unhappiness and disappointment upon his lips. His voice harsh and hollow.  
  
"I didn't see you there." I admit. My hand tightening its grip on the peeling black painted railing. He brings his head up a bit, our eyes locking for a quick moment.   
  
"Of course you didn't." He scoffs, "lately you don't seem to be noticing anyone but yourself." He stands up taking a few short steps towards me.  
  
"Yeah, well, what can I say? I'm a selfish bitch. You know that, that's why you broke up with me."   
  
"Well, it wasn't at the time, but now its the reason that keeps us apart." I laugh bitterly at this.   
  
"No, that is not why we are apart-"  
  
"Look Abby," he says cutting me off, "I don't care why we are apart. I don't give a shit. The only thing I care about is my baby, which is inside of you." He pauses taking a moment to bite down on his bottom lip. "What did you mean earlier, when you said that it wasn't my baby."   
  
"I meant, its no bodies baby." I explain, he still looks perplexed, I have a way of being vague. It has always annoyed him, but in a cute way. Now it just seems to be having the annoyingly annoying effect. "Carter, I'm having an abortion." He takes a step back, leaning against the railing. The decision that seemed most realistic to me. The one I was trying to fight all along, trying to push out of my mind. It didn't work. It is the most obvious. The only one that can fix everything. It may be wrong, I did it once before, every once in awhile I will have a dream. A dream of the baby, my baby. What this baby could have been. Her cute little pigtails under a blue baseball cap, or his mop of dirty blonde hair with a big toothless smile. These images haunt my dreams. Yet, I couldn't have done it any other way. Just like now. I know I am a horrible person, a horrible person that was not meant to have children.   
  
"You're what?" He says his face contorting from shock to anger and hate.   
  
"I-" swallowing I fight the coming tears to continue on. "I can't have this baby." My voice gets quieter, he is straining to hear. Waiting for an explanation. "It wouldn't be right." Now barley audible he watches me intently, hesitant to close the wide space in between us. "There is just too much in the way. The disease. Us. Me. You. You may be fit to be a parent, but I am not. I don't want this child to be parentless, even if its one parent." He shakes his head at me.  
  
"No. Abby, you can't do this." His voice breaking and pleading with me, begging me to give up everything, my dreams, my fears, my hate for him, to succumb to my love for him. To let us run off together. Build the perfect life with the perfect family. Together we could be perfect. "Don't do this." His eyes set on mine, drilling his every emotion into my soul. "I will love this baby, you will love this baby. Hell you probably already do." He walk closer to me, resting one hand on my back, the other on my stomach. "There is already something growing inside of you." I watch as he traces small patterns over my jacket with his index finger. A solitary tear making its way down his red cheeks. Slowly he opens my jacket, his hand rests on the outside of my shirt. His other arm wrapping me closer to him.   
  
"Before you know it, it will be a little person." He looks at me, taking his eyes away from my stomach. "Abby, our little person." A tear trickles down my cheek, he reaches up to brush it away. I stop him immediately. He looks at me, soon I am pushing him off me. He reaches back to the railing for support. I can't stand it anymore, I don't need this pressure. He watches as I do my coat up collapsing on the step below him. He reaches out to touch me lightly, but I don't let him.   
  
"I hate you!" I screech, I can feel him move down to my step. He sits beside me, my body shakes the tears streaming down my cheeks as his words fill my mind. Leaving me with pain and guilt. I can't go through with this pregnancy, everything is too convoluted, he knows it. The wind rushes through the trees as we sit there in a miserable silence. His eyes focused on the city in front of him, trying to wrap his mind around the inevitable truth. My heart breaking as I sit next to a man who lied and deceived me. It would be the greatest thing if I could believe everything he does. Believe that just because we are having a baby together the world becomes perfect again.   
  
"So this is it?" His shrill voice breaks the silence, I prefer the heartbreaking silence to conversation. I nod, he watches as another tear makes its way along my cheek.   
  
"You don't want this. I know you don't."  
  
"Its not always about what you want." I says through tears.  
  
"Yes it is. I hate that saying. Its a lie. How the hell is life suppose to be worth living if you don't have things that you want. If you only had things that you needed, you wouldn't have anything. We'd all be horrible little wenches, our only purpose to breed new horrible little wenches. Well, hell, you don't even want to do that." He spits at me bitterly.   
  
"Just go home John." I say looking at him. "Just leave, I don't need you here." He looks at me not moving an inch.  
  
"No. I will stay here until you admit that you want this baby."   
  
"No, John, no. I don't, not really. Just go, I am doing this whether you want it or not. I have an appointment booked. Its happening." He shakes his head in utter disbelief.   
  
"I don't believe you."   
  
"Well you better. I can't do this anymore John. I can't be part of you. We are apart, for good. Just leave me alone and never talk to me again. I can't stand to see you. I hate you, I hate your fucking guts." My words are getting heavier, the tears are flowing freer. 


	12. contemplations

Authors Note- Hey, this is part one of a two part chapter, the second part should be coming later today, so it is short. I hope you all like it! Thank you everyone for the reviews, I love them and have taken into consideration all of your ideas. Oh and if you do anything today, or read any other sotory you HAVE to read Replacing the past by AbbyLockhart2... Seriously an amazing story. I love it, its not angsty or anything... It is great!!!! Thanks for the reviews everyone!  
  
*Chapter 11*  
  
I watch the dust collecting on the scratched table in front of me. Each particle falling, finding its place on the table. The dust turns the once dark brown table to a powder white. The room silent, not a peaceful silence. A dreadful silence. One that echoes in your ears, causing you to shudder to clasp your hands over your ears praying the loud silence ends soon. But it doesn't. It never will, because what is going on can't be hidden, or brushed under the rug. The silence represents your feelings, your utmost thoughts. No longer can you pray it all goes away. The particles continue to fall onto the dingy magazines set upon the dusty table. My eyes search the walls for something to concentrate on, nothing eases the pain. I wish I didn't have to go through this alone. I wish I didn't have to go through this at all. How much easier it would be to just leave, to raise this baby. Maybe I could even get Carter to forgive me for threatening to abort it. For wanting to abort it. He would love the child no matter what, even if it had six arms, even if it was a hermaphrodite. He would love the child even if it had a birth defect. He has unconditional love, well for the child. I am another story. My hand wanders down to my stomach, a baby is in there. A living and breathing thing. Well, not yet, but it could grow up to be anything. I wonder what it will look like, blue eyes, brown eyes, green eyes, grey eyes. Maybe some of each. Dark brown hair, definitely, it will have a mop of dark brown hair. Boy or girl I am not sure. Girl, daddy's little girl maybe. Or a mama's boy, something Eric never was.   
  
"Abigail Lockhart." My head bolts up, bringing me out of my pleasant thoughts. The unrealism washing over me, a sick feeling in my stomach overwhelms me. I stand up suddenly dizzy, hanging onto the side of the chair for support I close my eyes. Slam them shut. I don't want to be here. This is the last place I want to be. I have no other choice. I have to do this, I am left option less otherwise.   
  
"Abigail Lockhart?" The women's bland voice echoes over the intercom again. I wait, I don't move. I can't. I am stuck in this position. Maybe there is some higher power holding me back, stopping me from doing the inevitable. I stumble over to the desk, I can feel eyes on me, other women who are committing the same crime. Some unknown reason gives us all something to be ashamed of. Each one of us will be left with this burden, something to wake up late at night in a sweat about. Nothing good will ever come from this.   
  
"You're Abigail?" The plump women asks. Her eyes bore into me, I keep mine on the counter, afraid anything else in this room will make me sick. I nod my head, she stands up and looks at me. "Are you okay?" Not a bit of sympathy or empathy in her voice.  
  
"Yes." I squeak, I follow her to a room at the back. The walls are white washed, not much on them. A calendar, a few doctor supplies, and a pregnant women. Under her is a sign that reads 'are you doing the right thing?' The words flash in front of my eyes, I grip my stomach tighter, unable to stop myself from vomiting on the floor. The women looks shocked, she sighs then turns on her heels to, presumably, go get something to clean it up with. I am left alone with the poster and the calendar. Two things that seem to be haunting me at the moment. The words on the poster seem to get bigger by the minute. I quickly turn my head to the floor. I hear the wheels of a cart as the custodian pulls out his mop and cleans up my stomachs former contents. He glares at me for a second before continuing on his cleaning journey. I watch the mop swish back and forth, the water splashing around the, already, sand covered floor.   
  
"Abigail?" A smiling women with a short brown bob walks into the room. She closes the door behind her, the click piercing the quiet room.   
  
"Sorry about that." I croak out, my words hollow. She nods at me, the smile not leaving her face. I get the urge to wipe it off myself.   
  
"Are you ready?" She looks at me, the smile not as wide as it once was. The seriousness of it all seems to have taken over he expression. I watch as she keeps her eyes on me. I think about the question. Am I ready, ready to get rid of my second 'would be' baby. Ready to disappoint everyone, what about ready to wake up every night screaming, regretting my decision. I'm not ready for any of that. This one action would way on my mind for ever. But I am I really ready for the alternative. To raise a baby, that could be bi polar. Or what about risk have to raise it all on my own? What about the child, it would suffer, I am not mother material. Look at Eric, I thought I had done it. I thought I got him through all the hard parts, he was going to be great, hell he is great, but he was just such a beautiful kid, no he's struck with a life altering disease. But if I had the choice would I want him to not be here because of it? I couldn't live my life without Eric, hell even Maggie. I need them both.   
  
Yet bringing a child into this world, into my world, under such circumstances would not be fair. They wouldn't enjoy a life of luxury, they would have a life of pain and heartache. I am alcoholic. It's that simple, sure I haven't drank since I found out I was pregnant, but the tide could easily turn. I'm unstable and no one, especially not a child, should be forced to live with that. I could pass my alcoholism onto the child, inflicting this disease upon many more. Carter is another issue, he's the child's father yet we can't stand to be around each other. We have difference of opinions, he doesn't trust me, or love me. He could pass that same resentment onto the unborn baby. As selfish as it may sound, I don't think I could take the pain of my own flesh and blood hating me. I know anyone would be better off without me, its a fact, yet if I had this baby I couldn't dump it. I couldn't do to it, what my father did to me. But if I fell off the wagon, I know Carter would take the child away from me. The reasons to keep my child are purely selfish, I can't do this. Not now, not ever. Its final, I have to terminate this pregnancy.   
  
I nod at the doctor, a single tear slipping ever so gently down my cheek. She forces a smile on her lips, and singles for me to get into the gown. I slowly discard of pieces of my clothing as she waits out the exam room door. I take one last look at my pregnant belly, a temporary reminder of what I am doing. I pull the gown over my body, covering the non existent bump of my stomach. I'm as ready as I'll ever be. 


	13. All is lost

Authors Note- Its short. You've been warned. I am going to start another storycontinuing this one, its in the future about six, seven years, I haven't decided yet. I hope you enjoyed this one. Thanks to everyone who reviewed!  
  
*Chapter 12*  
  
I'm walking around in a dream, at least that is what it feels like. Emptiness follows me where ever I go. A hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach tugs at my every thought and desire, reminding me of my shortcomings throughout my pointless life. Nothing is what it seems. It feels as though I am moving in slow motion as someone's finger hovers over the play button, threatening to whip me into action. But instead of actually throwing me into the world head first, the finger taunts me, making me walk around in a daze not knowing wrong from right. I am the poster girls for impurity and hopelessness. Which, ultimately, is what I was destine to be. It was written in the stars. No matter what I do, this fog of reminder gallops over head, when I think I am two steps ahead of it, almost free, it moves a little quicker. Reminding me of everything I have done wrong in the last thirty years. Yup, I'm a failure, not just any failure, a hopeless failure. One who is incapable of being loved, incapable of loving.   
  
I grab my purse from the front door. Another day at work, another day in this zombie like mind. I can't think straight, I can't eat, all I do is work. Sleep doesn't even seem to be an option anymore. My thoughts haunt me. He haunts me. Visions of him cloud my mind. I don't know where he is. He left, I went to find him, I needed to talk to him. To tell him everything that was on my mind, express my every feeling to him. When I went to work that day I was informed that he left. Susan told me. She tried to break it to me gently, telling me that there will, in fact, be other guys. Huh. Not bloody likely. He was right to leave. I can't blame him. He did exactly what I thought he would do, he cut his looses. He doesn't need me to drag him down. I don't know where he went, he didn't say. I tried to contact him, once. I called the mansion. Big mistake. I got a hold of her. She screeched at me, telling me what a horrible person I am, how he is lucky to be free of me. She threatened me. Telling me to stay the, and I'm quoting here; 'Stay the fuck away from John, your nothing but a trashy whore, who took his heart and broke it in two.' At least someone sees me for what I really am.   
  
I shut the heavy door behind me, deciding to take the L today. Its a beautiful day, the wind rushes through the trees, the last bits of mucky snow have finally melted. They were just a reminder of that night that I told Carter what my intentions were. If only I could talk to him now, explain myself. But I can't. He dropped off of the face of the earth, never to be seen again.   
  
I board the L, its not to busy, rush our ended a about an hour ago. The joys of working nights. I take a seat, no one is on this particular train, leaving me alone to my thoughts. I'm not sure if that is such a good idea. I just can't believe he's gone, I know we had our differences, but I loved him. A lot. More then he will know I guess. They already found someone to replace him, he's been gone a week and already he's replaced. Well, professionally speaking. A man named Donnie, he seems nice enough, I haven't spent much time with him. I try to avoid socializing, or doing anything for that matter. The L comes to abrupt halt as the door swish open, I quickly walk outside, I don't want to be later for work then I already am. The ambulance bay is virtually empty, accept for a lone soul sitting on the bench. Cigarette clutched into between his index finger and thumb, his head hung down, shoulders slouched.   
  
"You okay?" He smiles at me grimly, taking a drag from his cigarette.  
  
"Didn't know you were on tonight?" I nod at him, reaching forward taking a quick drag of my cigarette, knowing I shouldn't in the state I'm in, but its just another 'Abby flaw.'  
  
"What happened?" I ask the sad looking man. His dirty blond hair matted to his head, perspiration drizzling down his cheeks.   
  
"I lost a patient. An infant, I lost his dad. The only person he had. This kids going to end up being bounced from home to home his whole life." The man says. I take a seat next to him on the bench, leaning up against the hard wood. He follows suit, soon we are watching the stars. Just the two of us, and the dying cigarette.   
  
"I'm sorry." I break the silence, he looks over at me, wiping the sweat from his cheek, he stands up offering me his hand. I oblige, as he pulls me to his feet I look into his eyes. He looks so scared, so alone. I feel as though I can read his every feeling and thought right now. Its amazing. I smile at him slowly turning towards the ambulance bay doors.   
  
"See yah later, Donnie." He smiles at me, its that moment that I realise how similar our lives our. I connected with him in a way I didn't think possible, since Carter. Maybe I will find a new love. Maybe, just maybe. 


End file.
